Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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