i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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