you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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