My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
