New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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