so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
