he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
