i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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