I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
