I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
