My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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