I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
