I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
