my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
