If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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