the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
