i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
