You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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