does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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