I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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