I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
