I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
