I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
