3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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