Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
