Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
