There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
