I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
