Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
