She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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