Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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