My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
