you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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