i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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