UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
