Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
