Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So much rum. So many feels.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
