The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
