boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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