Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
