laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
