Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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