He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
