Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
