Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
