I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
