there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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