Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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