i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
