Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
