I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
