She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
