Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
