I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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