I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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