dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
