I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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