I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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