Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
