is your mom at the bar?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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